Stay Home or Go Back to Work?
How does a person ever make this decision? This is what you may be thinking to yourself if you’ve arrived on this post because you’re currently debating this exact scenario – stay home or go back to work?
I get it. It was a BIG decision for my family. And to be honest, at just six months into my journey as a SAHM I still have moments (and sometimes days) where I really contemplate my decision and if I should just go back to work.
Here’s the thing though, those thoughts really only creep into my mind when I’ve had a rough day. Much like most people do when they have a rough day at their job, we get it in our head that the grass has definitely got to be greener on the other side, right? I’d argue not… and I’ll use one of my favorite quotes to ease your mind and answer why.
“It’s just a bad day/moment, not a bad life.”
It’s so simple, but oh so true! I’ll have a moment or day that is particularly rough, and then I’ll typically wake up the next morning feeling better (maybe not 100%) about the situation, and do my best to make this new day better/different, so that I don’t go down the rabbit hole of over-analysis and pessimism over and over (and over) again.
Because let’s be honest, no one enjoys someone bitching about their life/job/whatever ALL the time. And if you do, you’ve got problems and you should see someone about it (ha!).
So what’s the right decision?
You guessed it – there is no right decision! You just have to figure out what is best for you and your family, and I think it’s also important to remember that this is just a (rather short) season of life. This doesn’t have to be a permanent/life-long decision! Don’t over-think it (easier said than done, I know).
I know whenever I face big decisions like this, I often stew and look to God for my next steps… this decision was heavily stewed on and took many, many months before I felt He was telling me/us it was the right time to make a move. So, don’t over-think it, but don’t make a hasty decision either. Take the time to really lay-out the pros and cons of your specific situation and lifestyle.
For us, the decision wasn’t really based on supercritical things that would affect our survival, like finances for instance. We knew we’d be fine on my husband’s income, so that wasn’t a big factor for us. And if it had been, it probably would have made the decision quite a bit easier to make.
Of course, we now run a fairly tight ship and have had to cut back on some things that we enjoy doing, but as I mentioned earlier – this is a short season of life, and if your heart is telling you to be with your babies and raise them up, I’d encourage you to do it. Everyone always says you won’t regret staying home with your babies, and I’d have to agree (even on the really tough days).
For us, it really came down to whether or not I wanted to give up my marketing career and job of five-plus years. My sanity/mental well-being was also a big factor. I really struggled (and still do sometimes) with whether I’d be okay giving up my career and professional goals to raise our children. And then I have this fear of missing out (FOMO) and not being a strong and experienced candidate to get back into the workforce. I’m sure you can relate.
I’d become successful and created a great foundation for my marketing career. That was my biggest pain point with leaving. Then, a few things fell into (or out of) place that made the decision for me to stay home easier, and my part-time (but full-time duties) position really needed my full-time attention and time in order to really work for the company and myself. It was simply, just time. I was also pregnant with baby #2.
Fortunately, staying home was an option for me. We weren’t forced into it and had the ability to make this decision under no pressure. We understand what a huge privilege that is, and one that some people may not have.
It had been important for us to get to a place financially for that to be an option if one of us wanted to stay home with our kids someday. My hope is that you are in a place where this decision is a privilege for you, as well, and not something you are forced into.
staying home isn’t less work
I’d caution anyone who is considering staying home because they think it’ll be easier. If I’m being 100% honest, this is the hardest job I’ve had yet. Being “Mom” is way more complex and multi-faceted than I ever thought possible. You wear SO many hats each and every day. I consider myself to be fairly good at juggling multiple things at one time, especially with my background in marketing, but raising two under two has tested my skills on a whole other level.
As a SAHM, at least in my situation, there are essentially two types of work that you take on each day – housekeeping and childcare. Each could be a full-time job on their own if you were the “bestest”, most perfect, “do everything”, kind of person. I am not.
In regards to the housekeeping side of things, I’ve come to realize two things that I didn’t ever consider when we were both working outside the home:
1. When you spend A LOT more time in your home, you begin to find/see all the things that need to be fixed or cleaned up or re-done. And because this space is now your “work-space” where you spend obscene amounts of time, you want those things to be fixed/cleaned up/re-done/etc., um, yesterday. (Ha!)
With our home, and since bringing baby #2 into the world, I’ve realized that we need more space. We have just under 1300 square feet, and it’s a two-bedroom, one-bathroom home that was originally built in 1896. Yikes! There have been many updates over the years, and it’s held up incredibly well, but boy… I’m gonna need more space sooner than later!
And I know, people have been raising babies for centuries in one-bedroom houses, with no plumbing, yada, yada… I get it. It’s a first-world problem. But, I’d like to enjoy my home and my spaces and have a place for all the things. That’s just what my anal little mind craves. Ya feel me? Moving on…
2. When you are in your home practically 24/7 with two other small humans who cannot take care of themselves (or anything really), the house gets messy. Real quick. I’ve just recently had the realization that when we were working outside the home, our house was much tidier simply because we weren’t there all day. We only had dishes from one meal, toys/activities from a couple of hours in the evening, one set of clothes per person, the toilet is only used a few times… (As I type this I’m wondering why I’m not back at work already?! hehehe! Just kidding… but seriously.)
It’s kind of crazy to see how much use you get out of your home when you actually spend time in it. And there is a part of me that is happy to get good use out of our home… it is our biggest expense each month (aside from healthcare), after all.
I could go on and on, but I hope I’ve made my point clear and given you some food for thought as you make your decision. If you choose to stay home, you’re still going to have to work… and it may not be work that you enjoy, so really consider if you’ll be okay with all of your duties.
On the childcare front, I don’t even know what to tell you… maybe go back and get your degree in early education?! (haha) I feel like my patience tolerance has grown 589%, and my ability to teach super basic life skills is really shitty. I give all the kudos to early educators and daycare providers.
One thing that is important to note, that I mentioned earlier, is that you will have bad days. Just like any other job. The thing that is difficult and different in this situation is that 1. you are likely by yourself and left alone to deal with the tough stuff, and 2. you are dealing with humans who haven’t yet developed the skills and ability to communicate like an adult, so you spend your days translating which “cry” your baby is using and why your toddler is gagging himself to the point of puking (true story). It’s really a lot of psychology and problem solving – but on a whole new, super fun, level (note: sarcasm).
My little Myles 
My little Gracelyn
3 reasons why you should stay home
Okay. I feel like I’ve done an excellent job of dissuading you from staying home, so I’ll now provide you with my top three reasons why it is worth it to stay home.
#1 – AM/PM rush = less stress
One of the greatest reasons we’ve found for having one of us stay home is that our mornings and evenings are much less stressful. When I was working, it was always stressful trying to get out the door, haul the kid and all the things out the door, get to daycare on time for breakfast, and then get ourselves to work on time. So much stress in the first two hours of our day!
And then for the evenings, we were constantly communicating about who was getting the kiddo from daycare depending on who had a late night or needed to work a bit later, etc. Then there’s the stress of just getting out the door from work to make it to the daycare before they close. And then the guilt of being the last parent to pick up, or for being three minutes late.
And once you finally get home, it’s a mad dash for two hours to get supper made and eaten and cleaned up, get baths taken care of (if it’s bath night), do the bedtime routine, clean up the house a bit (maybe?), and get things prepped for the next morning (also, maybe?). If Eric and I got even one hour to ourselves to decompress and chill, we considered it a win.
#2 – so many awesome moments and firsts with your babies
I get a warm, happy feeling every time I think of all the goodness I’ve soaked up just in these short six months. My toddler (who has been a HUGE Daddy’s Boy for most of his existence) and I have really gotten into a good place since the birth of his sister and me staying home full-time.
It’s such a privilege to be there to kiss all the boo-boos, play pretend and make forts, laugh and be silly, experience all the firsts, and connect and build each relationship from the ground up with your tiny humans.
They love you so immensely at this stage of life, and it’s been so fulfilling and fun to be around them so much. It’s like I get to witness first-hand who they’re going to become a little bit more each day as we work to peel back their layers of personality and intelligence.
And don’t get me wrong, we all get annoyed with each other and on each other’s nerves, but the good far outweighs the bad most days. My point is that it’s such a joy to be so immersed in their lives right now when everything is fresh and new and thrilling.
#3 – Flexibiliy of Time and Lifestyle
This one has actually been really challenging for me because I am a routine and structure kind of person. So when I started staying home I was really good at creating structure and routines for the kids, but I really struggled to figure out a routine for myself.
That being said, once we’ve gotten into more of a groove and I’ve gotten myself more of a routine (Read about my life-changing routine here), things are going really well. I find myself really living in the moment with my kids instead of rushing to get to the car or hurry to be somewhere. It’s truly a “slow down and smell the roses” lifestyle.
I’ve definitely gotten a lot more laid back and patient with my time. It’s funny because “Moving at the Speed of Toddler” will typically get you places real quick. That is until it’s you who has to get somewhere or do something, and then it’s like they miraculously go into slow-mo just for the hell of it. Boggling.
Anyway, back on topic.
It’s also been really nice to be able to just go with the flow. I can schedule pretty much any appointment for when I want to or need to during the week. If we want to take a quick road trip, we have that flexibility.
I can take full advantage of off-season/off-peak times to do things with the kids. Its been really nice to actually visit many local attractions like the zoo or state parks just because I now have the freedom to make it happen.
Overall, it’s just nice to be able to move through life enjoying things as we go, and not rushing to get things checked off a list before someone else owns my time. We’re living life slowly but fully. And I really believe that’s just what this season of life calls for.
making sense of it all…
Our pediatrician explained to me once what he sees from his perspective in working with mothers, parents, and families every day. I was telling him I’d be staying home full-time soon, and he encouraged me, but was also very honest about the realities of working mothers vs. SAHM’s.
He said, “Look, you’re just trading guilt for depression essentially.”
Let that sink in for a moment and reread it a couple of times.
This really struck me and I’ll never forget it…I’d never heard it explained that way, but it makes absolute sense to me. He literally made sense of the negative effect of both choices. Most working mothers experience some level of “mom guilt” because they aren’t staying home to raise their kiddos. They feel bad because they wish they could spend more time with their kids.
While on the opposite end of the spectrum, SAHM’s often experience some degree of depression because all of their time is solely devoted to their children and housework. They may feel a lack of purpose or fulfillment in their lives (You should go read this post on the work/life balance of a SAHM to help with this!).
So, is there a right answer… nope. There really isn’t, and after he said this to me I realized I’m really just picking my poison. haha! Neither option seems super great when you think of it this way, but I think that’s just the reality of life today for mothers. And that is a sad reality.
So, tell me. Have you found the magic formula? How have you handled the decision to stay home or continue working? Shoot me a message or leave a comment below!
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