Pregnancy After Miscarriage

Pregnancy after miscarriage

I hope you don’t ever experience the agony of miscarriage. But, I’m guessing that if you are here, you’ve experienced miscarriage yourself or know someone in your circle who has. And for that, I just want to say that I am so, so sorry for your loss.

The statistics show that about 1 out of every 4 pregnancies do end in miscarriage, so miscarriage shouldn’t be something you never consider or think could happen to you. Run through your mind the list of your closest girlfriends. It’s very likely one of you, if not more, has had a miscarriage. Keep in mind, this is per pregnancy, not per person.

Simply put, it happens. This is life.

Our miscarriage

We experienced our miscarriage in May of 2016. By my calculations, I was about 9 weeks pregnant. By our first ultrasound calculations, I was only measuring at 5.5 weeks. I was shocked and then felt completely stupid lying there.

“Wait, am I pregnant?” I asked the ultrasound tech.

She didn’t have a real clear answer, which should have tipped us off. I swear I’d taken at least three at-home pregnancy tests over the course of the past few weeks – all positive. How can I be pregnant but nothing really be there? What does this mean?

We were so naive… so green… so eager and hopeful. We had nothing to compare it to, so we just went along with what the doctors were telling us. They had us come back a week later to see if there was any growth. Maybe we just had the dates wrong and that’s why I was measuring behind.

So, we left that day a little uneasy about things, but fairly optimistic. I had some blood-work done and remember discussing my results with a nurse over the phone. I was asking more questions, still trying to grasp what could be going on, and she did tell me that there was a chance that it could not be a viable pregnancy. I’m so thankful for her candidness in hindsight. I really appreciate not having things sugar-coated, especially when the ending may not be all that great.

A chemical pregnancy

We went back the next week, had another ultrasound, no growth. I was going to miscarry, but my body just hadn’t figured it out yet. That was such a surreal moment… I was pregnant, but not pregnant, at the same time. I believe this type of miscarriage is considered a “chemical pregnancy/miscarriage”. This article explains it very well. Essentially, implantation of the egg never occurs, but the hormone, hCG, from the fertilized egg cells are still produced enough to trigger a positive pregnancy test.

I was scheduled for a D&C the following morning. It is all kind of a blur now, but the one thing I do remember is coming out of surgery, coming off the anesthesia. I hadn’t even opened my eyes yet, hadn’t been able to speak, but I needed to know how things had gone.

I knew a nurse was there with me… I kept motioning with my hands a thumbs-up and thumbs-down. She grabbed my hand in thumbs-up position and held on so tight to me as I started sobbing. Everything had gone smoothly, which was a blessing. But, that was the moment of clarity, and I fell apart. It was all over, and that was the moment I felt the loss.

the loss of a pregnancy

So, I consider my miscarriage to be the loss of a pregnancy, not the loss of a baby. That’s how I’ve processed the situation and made peace with everything that happened. Everyone deals with loss and grief very differently. This is how I dealt with mine.

Now, I am very aware that our experience with miscarriage is nowhere near what other families go through. Not. Even. Close. I cannot imagine a more devastating loss than what we had. But, I know more than enough families in my circle who have dealt with some seriously heavy stuff when it comes to conceiving babies. I see them through a different lens now. My heart knows a bit of the hurt they are/were enduring.

Loss is loss no matter how big or small. And it’s not really the physical loss of something that gets you. All of us in the “Miscarriage Club” share one thing in common – the loss of all our hopes and dreams for our baby/ies, as well as our future.

When you find out you are pregnant, your mind starts racing, foreshadowing things to come – how the baby will look, what features will come from which parent, all the cute things they’ll do, they’re smile, the memories we’ll be able to make with them, the life we’ll build with them in it.

Pregnancy After Miscarriage

We’ve been blessed with two beautiful children since then. The miracle work done in creating children is not lost on me. Each and every one is a true miracle and something to be cherished.

The anticipation leading up to getting pregnant and the nine months of pregnancy is so great and so exciting! But, for those of us who have experienced loss, those become times of great worry, and the anticipation we feel is not of excitement and joy. It’s of fear. Fear that we’ll lose something so special again.

We had another brief scare while pregnant with Myles. I had some spotting at 14 weeks, so of course, they had us go into the hospital to check things out. Everything was fine. But, a day or two after that episode I remember looking in the fridge for something and the “worst-case-scenario” thoughts just kept creeping up in my mind.

I broke down, looked at Eric and said, “I just don’t want to miscarry again.”

The worry never goes away. And after a miscarriage, you’ll never really experience the true, unencumbered joy of pregnancy without that fear and worry nagging at you. It’s like you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’re not sure of anything until that precious baby is in your arms after delivery. Healthy and happy to be with it’s Mama and family.

We weren’t alone

One of the best things we did when we miscarried was talk about it. There were so many other people in our circle (and beyond) who had experienced a miscarriage; we had no idea. Learning from others’ experiences lifted a weight of shame and guilt from our shoulders. We weren’t alone. And knowing that can sometimes make all the difference in a family’s grief journey.

So, I do my best to be open and honest with people in regards to conceiving and miscarriage. And if I find out that someone has miscarried, I make sure to let them know that they are not alone. It helped us so much. And if we can help other families get through a tough time, we make sure to show up for them and pay it forward.

Have you experienced a miscarriage? Please reach out if you’re going through a tough time conceiving. And if that’s not your style, just know that I see you and know that you aren’t alone.

– mg

Other Motherhood Posts You May Like…

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• Breastmilk vs. Formula: The Great Debate
• An Open Letter to a First-Time Mama Who’s Anxiously Awaiting Her Baby’s Arrival.
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